Jokes02

The doctor says to Murphy. “Right Murphy. Your wife has just had her tenth baby. I think it’s time you started taking precautions.”

“Oi’ll take anything that stops me wife havin’ more babies.” Says Murphy.

“Right then Murphy. Here’s a prescription for condoms. Take it to the chemist and he will give you a box of 100.”

“Roight.” Says Murphy. “But what do Oi do with’em.”

“No problem.” says Doc, “The instructions are on the box.”

A few weeks later, Murphy calls to see the Doctor.
“Can you come round please doctor. Oi think me wife’s pregnant.”

“Pregnant!“ says the doctor. “Didn’t you use the condoms?”

“Ter be sure Oi did. But they weren’t any good.” Says Murphy.

The doctor calls round to Murphy’s house and Murphy lets him in.
When they go into the front room, the doctor sees an upright piano in the corner.
Hammered into the top of the piano, at each end, are two 6 inch nails.
A condom is stretched tight and tied to the two nails.

The doctor points at the condom on the nails.
“What’s that doing there?” he asks.

“Well that’s what the instructions on the packet said.” Says Murphy.
“The instructions said. Stretch well over organ, Well, as I haven’t got an organ, I thought a piano would do.”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.

Boy: "Coo dark in here innit?"
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are again in the closet together.

Boy: "Coo, dark in here innit?"
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.

Let's go outside and play baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks: "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Coo dark in here innit?"
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

The French Government has announced that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's White Flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly to"elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour " and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone
from ”isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally the UK have gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". British higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".