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Ask the class if they are ready for the test you told them yesterday you were giving them this morning
SWISS ROLL
Unroll a Swiss roll, add finely chopped garlic or onion and roll it up again.
SYRINGED FOOD
Syringes or disposable hypodermic needles are not difficult to obtain these days. If you come across a new, unused one, hang onto it. You can implant all manner of terrible tastes into seemingly unadulterated food. Cakes can have a salt, chilli, curry and all manner of other ‘goodies pumped in.
BICARBONATE OF SODA
Bicarb tastes disgusting. Introduce into any food you can. Dusted on unwrapped sweets is a favourite.
FOOD COLOURING.
Being harmless, food colouring can be added to all manner of food and drink. It will give startling results but will do no harm to any person eating or drinking the coloured item. Try a dash of blue in milk. Or green in a fruit pie filling.
Add food colouring to soda water or fizzy mineral water when to give the impression you are offering your friend or guest a fizzy drink.
PRE-SLICED BANANAS
Stick a sterilised sewing needle into the skin of a banana. Move the needle from left to right to make a cut in the banana. Do this in several places so that when the banana is ‘unzipped’ it gives the impression that it has been pre-sliced. Do this fairly soon before offering the unzipped banana to your victim. You might even print a small sticky label on your computer advertising the new miraculous pre-sliced banana achieved though genetic engineering.
BOILED EGG.
Place a boiled egg in the tray where the fresh eggs are kept and manipulate a way of getting the victim to try and break the boiled egg into a bowl.
BOILED EGG 2
If boiled eggs are normally stored in a carton, stick all the eggs – but one - into the carton. Let the victim see you casually remove the unstuck egg and leave then to select their own.
BOILED EGG 3
Boil eggs in the usual way, then just before serving, surreptitiously drop another egg into boiling water. – don’t use one straight out the fridge otherwise the violent change in temperature may cause it to crack, it may be best having left it in warm water for a while. – Once the egg has been in the boiling water for a minute, scoop out the uncooked egg and place it in the egg cup. The victim will not suspect it is not cooked as the egg will be hot but will get a surprise when they try to crack the shell or lop the top off with a knife.
TELEPHONE.
Tape down the button under the telephone receiver. When the phone rings, the victim will pick up the receiver but it will still keep ringing.
TELEPHONE 2
Leave a message by the telephone to say a Mr C. Lyon called. Can they ring back. Leave the telephone number of the local zoo.
TELEPHONE 3
Make a telephone call to a friend/relative/colleague. When they answer, speak very quietly. When they say pardon? You pretend you have an ear infection which has made you temporarily hard of hearing. Anything they say or ask, you give an answer which has nothing to do with the question.
TELEPHONE 4
You or an accomplice telephone a friend. When they answer, ask for something outrageous. Like a two way splinge. When they say, I’m sorry you have the wrong number, tell them “No this is definitely the right number. Now what about that splinge. I need it to be adaptable etc.”
TELEPHONE 5
When your ‘victim’ answers the telephone, you or an accomplice say, “ Good afternoon sir/madam I am president of the British Universal Moral Standards. (Notice the initials) I understand you are operating an illegal sex line from these premises. There’s you opening, take it from there . . . .
ALARM.
Set the alarm on a loud alarm clock to ring at some ungodly hour in the morning – say 3am - and place it under the bed of the victim.
PETROLEUM JELLY - or VASELINE.
You all know what sticky, smeary, gooey stuff Vaseline is. Well in case you didn’t know, petroleum jelly is the same stuff but at a fraction of the price. Whatever you use, go armed with a small jar of either and coat knobs, and handles in domestic dwellings and public places.
Here are a few suggestions as to where you can smear your Vaseline or petroleum jelly :- doorknobs – light switches – car door handles, knobs & switches of electrical equipment - hair brush handles – curling tong handles – phones . I’m sure you can find a thousand more.
Victims actions and facial expressions are a treat to watch so don’t forget to have a camcorder handy
TOILET ROLL SLAVE
Unroll a toilet roll a number of sheets then scribble a note on one of the sheets such as. Help. I am being held against my will in a toilet roll factory, signed Ahmed Singh age 9. This has a ring of truth, as we all know of child slave labour in India. Other comments you might write on toilet rolls sheets are ‘Be aware I count each sheet my guests use’ - ‘Do you know that’s 10 sheets you’ve used?’ - ‘This is better than the crap you use in your house isn’t it?’
HOLE IN CUP. Make a small hole in a plastic cup ( just below the rim) and fill with whatever liquid is being offered. Hand the cup to the victim in such a way that they will take it and drink from the side with the hole in. You can also pull the same stunt using a drinks can. NOTE: Only do this to someone when they are either in their old working cloths or maybe when you are out sunning yourself. Ruining expensive cloths is not on the agenda.
REMOTE CONTROL
There is a good chance your tv remote control will operate next doors television as well. One evening when the are watching the tv. Sneak round to the window in which the tv is and change the channel of next doors tv with your remote control.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP !
Find an old piece of material that will rip easily when pulled and at the same time makes a lovely ripping sound. Place a book or similar on the floor in somewhere quiet like a library. Wait for someone to bend down to pick up the item then as they are fully bent, rip your material, The victim will automatically assume they have torn their trousers, or the case of a lady, she may assume it’s her knickers ! An accomplice with a video camera could capture some classic expressions.
MULTI-FRUIT TREE.
Buy or otherwise obtain fruit that has a stalk. Tie invisible nylon thread to the fruit and fix it in the tree so that it looks as though it is growing on the tree. The trick is to put more than one fruit on the tree.
FRUIT TREE. A variation of this is to fix say a number of apples on an apple tree but out of season.
LEFT HANDED BURGER.
When at a barbeque, offer round the burghers or sausages as someone goes to take one say “Oh not that one please. That’s for John as he’s left handed”
WHAT TIME IS IT?
Will work better in someone else’s house, but if all else fails try it in you own house. If you get the opportunity alter the time of a clock in a friend’s house, or at your place of work. Alter your own watch to correspond with the altered time and rope in an accomplice who can also alter their watch. It shouldn’t be difficult to persuade others that the time is, what you say it is, not what they think it is.
CHANGE YOUR DRAWERS.
Anywhere you can find drawers that are the same size, like in a filing cabinet, chest of drawers, kitchen cupboards etc. change the drawers around and watch the confusion and puzzlement .
DODGY ‘ROLLUPS’
Roll your own cigarettes? Try rolling one for a friend – or enemy – Place tobacco each end and some other substance in the middle. Sawdust or dried grass are equally effective. Give one to that, pain in the arse, who is always ‘bumming’ a fag !
LABELS ON TINS
As with plastic bottle labels, many labels on tins can be removed cleanly with a little care. The possibilities for altering labels on tins is endless. Particularly if you can find two totally different products that are similar in appearance when opened. Some creamed soup for example , at first glance appear similar to custard. Alternatively you can invest in one or more of our ‘spoof’ labels which you can replace the original label with. ‘Spoof’ Labels such as ‘Aprodites Desire’
IT’S A HOLD UP.
I believe it was probably Gilbert of ‘Gilbert & Sullivan’ fame who first practiced this next little joke. Find a building site where there are several labourers milling about Tell one of them, you are from the ministry of works - or some such guff - ask him to hold the end of this piece of string whilst you check the length to the other side. Go round the building, out of sight of the first labourer and ask a second labourer to hold the other end of the string for a moment. telling him the same story, then walk off and leave the two of them, out of sight of each other holding the end of a piece of string. Alternatively, tie one end of a piece of string to anything substantial, go round the corner of the building and pull the string taut. Ask a labourer to hold the end whilst you check something round the other side. Then ‘leg it’.
SUGGESTIVE ENVELOPES.
Whenever you send a friend, relative or work colleague a letter. Send it in an A4 envelope 110mm x 220mm with a suggestive logo or advertising phrase on the outside. It’ s easy to use your computer printer to print on the envelope. Perhaps. ‘EMERGENCY PUNCTURE REPAIR KIT FOR “CUDDLY CAROL” THE BLOW UP DOLL’ or URGENT – VD CLINIC RESULTS. or SEX LINE SEASON TICKET RENEWAL . Renewal subscription for the ‘MISERABLE GITS CLUB’ .Closet Gay Membership. I’m sure you can think of others. And if you are not sending a letter, then just send an empty envelope with the logo/advert on !
YOU’RE UNDER ARREST !.
Print a warrant card on your pc. Get an accomplice –unknown to your ‘victim’ - to act as a detective and visit your friend. The detective has reason to believe your victim is involved in a serious crime. The crime will be something that could connect your ‘victim’ with the crime. Perhaps they visited France, you could suggest smuggling. Perhaps they were seen parked somewhere on a specific day at a particular time. The detective could say a serious crime took place, there at that time, murder, burglary etc. remember this must all be quickly revealed as a joke otherwise proceedings could be taken against your accomplice for impersonating a policeman. However, impersonating or dressing up as a policeman is not serious if later acknowledged. i.e. like initially appearing to be the police but actually being a ‘kissogram’ or similar.
SEED YOU LATER.
See if you can access the seed packets of a keen gardener. Carefully open two or more packets of seeds, change over the contents of the packets and re-seal the packets. Alternatively give them a packet of seeds in which you have switched seeds or even mixed them up.
MAGIC MUSHROOMS.
Use food colouring to dye mushrooms say a greenish colour and serve them up in a salad. Tell your ‘victim’ they area new strain. They are crossed with spinach. They have the high content of iron from spinach and the taste of mushrooms.
FLOWERS TO DYE FOR.
Bring your friend a bunch of carnations or daffodils. After they have placed them in water, distract their attention, so that you can pour a little blue food colouring into the water – this only works if the fool hasn’t put the flowers in a ‘see thru’ glass vase. Within hours the flowers will have sucked up enough coloured water to turn them blue.
PUZZLE MESSAGE
After you have written a letter or an invitation, cut it up before you put it in the envelope so that the receiver will have to piece it together before reading it.
CANDLE POWER.
When completing official forms, there is often an area at the bottom of the paper that says DO NOT PRINT BELOW THIS LINE. Just for a laugh, lightly run a candle across the area, then no-one else will be able to write there either.
PUSH ME PULL YOU
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